So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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