just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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