she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
