Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize