Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize