sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
