how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
