dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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