I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize