so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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