I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
