You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
