took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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