I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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