Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
