i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just invented taco cereal.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
