I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
