If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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