I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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