you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
