So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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