Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize