That's intense
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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