she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Even my vagina gasped.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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