i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
