Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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