the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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