I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
