GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
