I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
