Whats the glycemic index on semen?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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