That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Even my vagina gasped.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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