I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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