If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize