They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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