I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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