I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
