My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
