My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
