it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
