I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
