Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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