this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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