Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
