I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize