i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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