i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize