When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
