Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
