I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
