Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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