Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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