I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
