So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
