whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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