My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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