You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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