i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
