My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
