Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
