eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
