I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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