Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
