I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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